Celebrating the wit, wisdom and wisecracks of our beloved Dad, Samuel O. Moss, on his 80th birthday July 5, 2010.
Sam Moss has a pithy or humorous observation for nearly every situation. Over the years we’ve heard Dad share these memorable comments and as we celebrate his 80th birthday, we thought it would be enjoyable to re-capture as many of these as we can recall for our continued enjoyment! These are not politically correct statements, just some funny things Dad says –and some wise words, too.
-The Moss kids
ADVICE
I'm like my sons... they give advice and I don't take it.
AGILITY
That guy is a clumsy as a cow on ice!
Some guys spend their whole life stumbling over dollars to pick up dimes.
ALCOHOL
That guy really likes to drink. I hope they don't decide to cremate him when he dies... it will take a month for the fire to go out.
CONTENTMENT
She's as happy as a cow in clover.
CLEANLINESS
Look at this sink... it looks like you’ve been scalding hogs in there.
DO-IT-YOURSELF
If I can't fix it, it ain't broke.
DISAGREEABLE PEOPLE
That guy is really mean... I hope when he goes home his mother runs out from under the porch and bites him.
FIGHTING
I don't want you kids starting fights, but if someone picks one, make them sorry they did.
Don't write a check with your mouth you're not able to back up with your fist.
FINANCES
That guy is as tight as the bark on a hickory tree!
He’s so tight he opens his coin purse and moths fly out!
That guy's so tight he squeaks when he walks.
That guy's so tight that every time he takes a penny out of his pocket, Lincoln blinks at the light.
That guy’s a wealthy man... he has enough money to burn a wet dog.
“I'm going to start charging you kids a nickel for every light you leave on."
FOOD AND TABLE TALK
That’s larrupin’ good!
That was so good it’ll make your tongue slap your brains out!
That’s so spicy hot it’ll make you take back stuff you didn’t even steal!
I only drink coffee on two occasions... when I'm by myself or when I'm with somebody.
That's not very appetizing... it looks like its already been eaten once.
That meat is so tough I could sole my shoe with it.
You don't eat very gracefully... you sound like a hog eating coal.
GARDENING
That row is as crooked as a dog's hind leg.
HEALTH
I’m glad to be feeling better. If it got much worse they would have been measuring me for a wooden overcoat.
I feel so good I could go bear hunting with a switch!
If I felt any better, I’d have to take something for it.
HONESTY
Locked doors are to keep honest people honest.
That guy is as crooked as a politician.
Some guys would lie on credit if they could tell the truth for cash!
No need to lock the door... if we get robbed, we'll have to fix the door too.
HUNGER.
I am so hungry I could eat an egg sandwich!
I am so hungry my stomach thinks my throat’s been cut.
INTELLIGENCE
That guy is not real bright... he always looks like you just hit him in the head with a brick.
That guy isn't too bright... he's about a half bubble out of plumb.
He's not too bright... he's about three bricks short of a load.
That guy is not too bright... it's hard to believe he beat out a million other sperm.
MARRIAGE
(Disclaimer: Our parents have a good marriage and Dad just says these things to get a laugh)!
I didn't know what happiness was until I got married... then it was too late.
Marriage is like a bath... it's not always so hot after you've been in awhile.
It's nice that they got married to each other... it would be a shame to waste either one of them on someone that was good looking.
MODESTY
If you aren't selling, don't be advertising.
NAVIGATION
I have never been lost… although once I was bewildered for three days.
NERVOUSNESS
That guy is as nervous as a long-tailed tomcat in a room full of rocking chairs.
PERSEVERANCE
Anything that is worth achieving is never easy.
PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES
Those teeth are so crooked; he could eat an ear of corn through a picket fence.
That guy is so ugly, he has to sneak up on a clock to see what time it is.
That guy is so ugly it looks like he took third place in a hatchet fight.
With those buckteeth he could eat a sandwich through a venetian blind.
You'd be really tall, if you didn't have so much folded under for feet.
That guy is as bald as a cue ball.
That guy's ears are so big, it looks like a side of beef on each side of his head.
He’s so skinny he has to run around in the shower to get wet!
She’s as pretty as a speckled pup.
I'm odd... my nose runs and my feet smell.
I can tell that guy’s on the level because his bubble is in the middle.
SERMONS, PUBLIC SPEAKERS AND PERFORMERS
Some sermons lack depth but make up for it in length.
Some public speakers have nothing to say. They just like to hear their own head roar.
I don't think that girl is a very good singer... I could get the same sound by backing over a cat's tail with a rocking chair.
That preacher passed up about 20 good stopping places.
TALKATIVENESS
That woman could talk a horn off a cow.
TOOLS
That knife is so dull you could ride it from here to Baltimore and not get cut.
That knife is as dull as a hoe.
Thanks for posting this. I've always loved Sams comments in person and it's good to refer to them from time to time so I don't forget.
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